I Wouldn't be Caught DEAD Wearing That

I have yet to take the plunge and try cosplaying (costume play, for the uninitiated).  Cosplay involves individuals (or groups) dressing up in costumes so they resemble their favorite anime (or other fictional) characters.  Really, it is more fluid than that - I've seen people at cons dressed up as the MythBusters, as characters from various U.S. shows, or in outfits that generally adhere to a genre (such as Victorian or Gothic Lolita). 

Most of those cosplaying will pose for pictures and attempt to do so "in character" - so a Strong Arm Alchemist will speak in a booming voice and flex his muscles; an Ichigo will likely yell "bankai!"; and Hinata from Naruto will appear incredibly shy.  As a result, many pick characters that they admire in one way or another, or at least someone who possesses qualities they wish they could embody.
That said, there are multiple characters that I find fascinating and/or admirable, yet would NEVER cosplay on.  That top 6 list follows:


6.  Jo (from Burst Angel) 
As this list will shortly make all too clear, I am intrigued by and at least mildly admiring of kick ass fighting skills.  As will also be made increasingly obvious by this list, when a women in anime wields guns, swords or other weapons, their bountiful fighting skills are not typically accompanied by bountiful clothing.  Jo is a case-in-point.

So we have ass-less red chaps, only those chaps are daisy dukes and not pants-length.  Hmmmm.  Then you have a pair of bikini underwear (bathing suit?) with a midriff-baring, open backed top.  On the side of practicality, Jo does wear boots that are flat.  This would be even more ridiculous if she had to fight in this outfit while balancing atop high heels.  That said, though I enjoy her deadpan delivery and formidable battle skills, her outfit precludes me from ever attempting to cosplay as Jo.


5.  Masane (from Witchblade)
To be fair, Masane (as bearer of the Witchblade) does not get to choose her own outfit as the Witchblade itself initiates the transformation.  That said, you can clearly tell that Witchblade is the product of someone who has spent too much time watching writing "exotic dancers" and not enough time watching women who actually fight.  Otherwise, what could explain the following outfit?

The outfit literally looks painted on and does the minimum necessary to avoid actual nudity.  That is, until she turns around.  Then, depending on what incarnation the Witchblade outfit is in, you might get to see a full moon.  Seriously, people.  We all love women who kick ass, and I understand highlighting the characters assets.  Still, creating such an insane outfit only tempts those with minimum self-control to cosplay in said outfit (if you can call tendrils of spandex barely encasing "the girls" an outfit); and I'm sure everyone can count on one hand how many females they are acquainted with who could even begin to pull off such an outfit without seriously traumatizing anyone who happened to see her.


4.  Yoko (from Gurren Lagann)
Poor Yoko.  Despite being an expert markswoman, a cheerful comrade, and generally a useful and capable character, no one can seem to find her a bikini top that fits. 

Forget, for a moment, that (to my knowledge) no fighting force on earth fights in swimwear (other than Navy SEALS - and their swimwear fits); just consider how terribly uncomfortable it must be to have a top that is at least two sizes too small and thigh-highs (really impractical, considering she typically fights in the desert) that must be cutting off circulation.  And she still manages to hit her target.  Unfortunately, most people who cosplay as Yoko seriously miss the mark, and I will never join their ranks.


3.  Faye Valentine (from Cowboy Bebop)
I really hate to say anything negative about Faye.  She is a central character in one of the best television shows  I have ever seen (and I say that to include all shows, not just those in an animated medium).  That said, as much as I love her, her idiosyncrasies, her sarcasm and sneakiness, her vulnerability and believability, I just can't get on board with her outfit.

First, she only gets to change outfits occasionally.  When she puts on evening clothes, she looks normal.  But in day-to-day life aboard the Bebop, or when they are planet-side hunting down a bounty, more often than not she is stuck in this yellow two-piece number.  And the awkward jacket seems like it would hinder any mercenary activities, not to mention that the suspenders seem to be uncomfortable.  I think one of the leading ladies of anime deserves a better wardrobe.  Unfortunately, her outfit is irrevocably tied to her character, which means any trip to a con will likely include those emulating the most wonderful Faye in that most horrible outfit.


2.  Revy (from Black Lagoon)
I can't say I entirely admire Revy.  After all, she is not only a mercenary, but arguably a sociopath.  That said, there is a vulnerability to her that is slowly uncovered over the 24 episodes of the show.  And her vulgar language, unparallelled skills with guns, and her almost feral fighting style combine to make her almost impossible to ignore on the screen.  She is very funny, very brutal, and incredibly interesting.  She also wears clothing that makes Daisy Duke appear chaste.

Those aren't really shorts.  They are denim underwear.  But I certainly would never have the balls to tell Revy to her face that I find her outfit a bit extreme.  I will say, though, that at Ohayocon 2010 I saw someone dressed as Revy.  And that person shouldn't have been dressed as Revy.  Not to put too fine a point on it, but suffice it to say that if your pants size approaches double digits, you probably shouldn't wear what equates to denim underwear; and the person who was burned into my retina wearing Revy cosplay had to have been sized in at least the single, and likely the double, X sizes.  'Nuff said.


1.  The Major (from the Ghost in the Shell franchise)
How else could this list end?  Among my favorite characters, male or female, in any medium.  You can see my exalted opinion of GitS in general, and the Major in particular, in prior blog entries.  Suffice it to say, if I felt her outfits were realistic, I would love to cosplay as her. 

For those not familiar with GitS (to whom I would say, "What the hell are you waiting for?  An invitation?  Go see it!  It is amazing!!!"), you may be thinking that this doesn't look like all that scandalous an outfit.  You might say to yourself, "hell, anyone could wear that!"  Well, let me offer exhibit B:

And to put your mind at ease, the bottoms are, in fact, a thong.  My general rule of thumb is that if any given outfit REQUIRES the wearer to get a Brazilian, it does not belong in public.  No matter how much I love the Major, those of us who are not almost all cyborg need not venture in public in such a get up.  That said, she does sport other, more user-friendly outfits.  But this is, by far, her most iconic outfit.  And maybe it is appropriate that no flesh and blood person can wear it as well the Major does.